Lets see how this goes..

I don't really believe in much, I'm not much on religion and super natural beliefs and I'm not big on thinking theres another place for us when we pass away. I was brought up in a sense that not much was given to you but you have to earn it, that you have to prove to someone else that you are worthy to receive something but at the same time you were supposed to give as much as you could to other people. That you should spoil others and not expect anything in return, that you should just be giving and all you can ask in return is someones friendship.

Ever since that terrible day 4 years ago, there has been someone missing within me. That guidance from that certain person of how to do things and what I should be doing with my life, currently I feel sick, fed up and I question every single decision I make. Even simple questions of what I should eat or what should I do today. Everyday I question what my life would be like if you were around.

I look at myself now and think 'honestly what the fuck are you doing?' 'Why are you letting these people push you around and abuse you?' It just makes me so frustrated.. Seriously why am I going so far out of my way to do things for people and what the fuck do I get in return? Wasted time doing nothing, wasted petrol and a wasted effort because I know that someday they're all going to leave and then what am I left with?

I know I haven't seen you in awhile but you know I think about you a lot and I still care, please give me a sign because if there is a higher place beyond this one and your watching down on me. You know what I'm going through and I can't handle it. I'm not like your daughter, i'm not that strong I've slowly lost faith in everything ever since you left. Please help me dad.

Your son.

Slightly uneasy

I don't know what it is but there's always something about a car ride home from work in the middle of the night that always gives a bad feeling. I've been trying to put my finger on it for awhile now but I still can't think of it.

These past few months have been the most confusing for me recently, ever since work started I've started to feel like the people around me are drifting away and ever more so I've really felt isolated from the world. My days are all the same; waking up in the middle of the afternoon heading out to work and then head back home at 4/6am and then repeat. I'll admit it there are times when I go out after work but I never get to spend any quality time with anyone.

It feels like I'm losing all my close friends..

Brian Sevilla

Let's relive the old days

Its been a long two years and I just thought I would get back on the blogspot bandwagon, I came across my friends blog just before and I thought it would be kind of fun to go back to my old beloved blog.

There is always a moment where you look back on your past and realise that you've fucked up hard with all kinds of relationships.

I don't think I could ever leave her or share the same emotions I had with someone else, its been 4 years and it still seems like it was yesterday that I said I love you. I've come to realise that I will never be the same person I was back then, the same person that used to care about every single detail, every single second and every single moment I shared with her. Right now my reputation is one I never wanted in the first place but somehow became.

I want to go back to the person I once was, the person that was motivated everyday just by one single person.

I want the old me back.

Brian Sevilla

If only

I miss our old days, we were the best of friends. Now it feels like I don't know you anymore

Whats happened to us?

After all

Everything we've been through

All the moments we've shared

The times where we've needed each other the most

Its interesting to see who you'd rather see face to face

Brian Sevilla

What happened?

I guess I've come to realize that people change and some things really do not need to be done. Okay like seriously what happened. You are one of the closet people to me, we spoke so often about the past, the present and the future. I seriously thought I could trust you and you would stick by me through the best and the worst of times. Then all of suddenly why would you go to such extreme measures.

It hurt me so much for you to tell me that you wanted nothing to do with me anymore and to be honest i hate you for doing it. I really thought that you knew better than that, really thought you were so much more smarter than you are. What happened to you?

I remember you asking me; "What will happen when your not around next year?" or "What will I do without you?" Hmm I guess you'll find out earlier than you think.

Don't get me wrong you are seriously a great person but the things you do and what you get in return is seriously stupid. You do realize nothing will change for the better and all you get in return is losing a friend.

Final thought; Maybe it is true, friendship don't last forever.

Brian Sevilla

Not even a thank you

A eventful week i should say, some ups and alot of downs. There are lesson to be learnt from this week such as ;

-A cab fare to Burwood from Southern Cross cost $60

-You never realize who your real friends are until something really bad happens

-Money runs out really quickly

-A suit in 34degree heat is a really bad idea

-You need at least 10 packets of migoreng to feed 8people

-A good chill out spot can seriously be found anywhere you look

-Really bad rainfall only happens in Melbourne when in Spring

-The Williamstown/Werribee train line have really crap railroads

-Even White Clubs have at least one token asian guy and girl

-Black guys on Chapel Street are really scary.

-Wesley kids are surprisingly not gay even though they wear all purple

Final words; Its amazing everything thats happened with you and a certain someone, even the words 'thank you' mean the world to you. Maybe they don't respect you as much as you thought. Something worth thinking about.

Brian Sevilla