Lets see how this goes..

I don't really believe in much, I'm not much on religion and super natural beliefs and I'm not big on thinking theres another place for us when we pass away. I was brought up in a sense that not much was given to you but you have to earn it, that you have to prove to someone else that you are worthy to receive something but at the same time you were supposed to give as much as you could to other people. That you should spoil others and not expect anything in return, that you should just be giving and all you can ask in return is someones friendship.

Ever since that terrible day 4 years ago, there has been someone missing within me. That guidance from that certain person of how to do things and what I should be doing with my life, currently I feel sick, fed up and I question every single decision I make. Even simple questions of what I should eat or what should I do today. Everyday I question what my life would be like if you were around.

I look at myself now and think 'honestly what the fuck are you doing?' 'Why are you letting these people push you around and abuse you?' It just makes me so frustrated.. Seriously why am I going so far out of my way to do things for people and what the fuck do I get in return? Wasted time doing nothing, wasted petrol and a wasted effort because I know that someday they're all going to leave and then what am I left with?

I know I haven't seen you in awhile but you know I think about you a lot and I still care, please give me a sign because if there is a higher place beyond this one and your watching down on me. You know what I'm going through and I can't handle it. I'm not like your daughter, i'm not that strong I've slowly lost faith in everything ever since you left. Please help me dad.

Your son.